A DAY OF EMBRASSMENTS

"Chi! Chi!!" Cried my twin chiemelie "what’s wrong with you?" he asks with traces of worry and anxiety seeping into his voice "i am fine" I gritt through clenched teeth or it was more like a hiss as beads of sweat trinkle down my face. "Oh God, oh God!" I cry out in my mind as I hear my belly rumbles as though to the beat of the Argentine Rumba. "Chinasa!" Chiemelie shouts and I knew by his tone as he never calls me by my full name except he is angry, worried or serious and my guess is this time he is 2 of the 3 “toi – let”, I gasp “what?” He asks yet again. "I said, toilet" I grimace. "oh... oh!" And it was as though series of my bladder incidents over the years flash through his mind. It was a known fact in the Okeke family that my bladder was something to be reckoned with; when we were younger I would wet the bed that chiemelie and I shared, wake up in the middle of the night roll him to the spot and change my clothes leaving him to take the blame. There was even a time in secondary school when I was having my period and was about to go have my bath when a friend said sploon instead of spoon and I laughed so hard that I gushed on the floor leaving a pool of blood in my wake as I ran to the bathroom. "Driver! Driver! Abeg Park we wan piss" chiemelie shouted. “ehn! I no dey stop o! Una know wetin happen wey LASMA stop me and dey collect #1500 for ma hand because una keep load for car wey no make boot close. We don dey back for d journey I no fit stop” the driver laments in response. “Oga! How far now? I say stop, abi we no pay for d Moto ni, abi u wan kill person pikin?” replies my brother in frustration. “Ok! Ok! Why u dey hala for ma head I go stop wen we reach highway where bush plenty” concedes the driver. Looking at me as though for approval that I could hold myself for that long I nod not wanting to embarrass myself any further as I know it was out of love and of course self-preservation that he is doing all that he is doing. As the car comes to a screeching halt I run like a mad woman out of the vehicle nudging and well giving a few elbows to those around in my attempt to come out of the car. Oh no! I shout in my head as I feel something hot slide down from my bum as I race towards the bushes, taking cover I quickly pulled off my trousers with my pant following as I stoop to finish what had already started in my pants. Relieved I rise and use the serviette I pulled from the fast food nylon which content, i believe contributed to my current state to clean up. Removing my stained pant I realise there was nothing I could do. So, i quickly dig a hole and adjust quickly before I slowly walk back to the bus. “Uhm! Uhm! What is smelling?" cries a passenger sitting 2 seats in front of me "yes ooohh, me myself I have being wondering" seconds the guy beside me. Embarrassed I half cover my face and angrily voice out “what! It’s coming from outside” with others looking at me with their faces filled with suspicion or maybe it is my guilty conscience prickly me. 10 minutes later, the car comes to a jerky stop. "Driver, kilo sele?" Asks a passenger sitting 2 seats ahead of me “moto ti ku”, replied the driver “gear ni, mo ma kpe ore me to n je mechanic o ma wa lati se moto”. Oh! I cry can things get any worse. 30 minutes of waiting in the bus for a mechanic was beginning to take its toll and as I was about standing up the mechanic came and did a few mumbo jumbos bringing the car to a jerky start. "Chi!" Calls my brother nudging me with his elbow from a dream where my lips where a few inches from Ryan Reynolds "come follow me to the bank" he requests "oh! Let me be I am sleeping" I reply as I struggle back into Ryan's arms he asks again but this time, he follows his requests with tickles chasing away all traces of sleep. Looking up I see we were already approaching the said bank. Knowing I had no choice I wiped my eyes and did my best to look good with the brush, powder and little make-up I had on hand. At the ATM Chiemelie withdrew and I decided to do the same bringing out my card I type in my pin and begin to process the transaction but it replied that the pin was wrong I felt the machine was wrong and I tried again as it was my card and I know my own. Transaction incomplete it read again and I tried again but this time the machine seized my card. "This is a joke right?" I say to my brother as I hit the machine consecutively as though the action would make the machine spit out my card. Let’s go in and report what happened says my brother and on the brink of tears I follow him into the bank. "Ma’am excuse me" I call to the lady sitting behind the customer care desk as I move forward and trip over the barricade placed there which I hadn’t seen in my haste causing me to land with a thud on my bum "oh God!" Muttered chiemelie behind me. where have I heard that before? I wonder as struggle with tears as people turned to see my fall with their mouths open in sympathetic cries was I jinxed or who did I offend today I wonder as I saw my bag open with an ATM showing my name tumbling out as tears started falling down my face in shear embarrassment and humiliation.

LETTER TO MY EX

                                                                                               

                                                                                               February 15th 2015

03:53 am  

It was Monday, when I was sitting and watching the television that it struck me “I have no romance in my life” we all watch movies and read epic, space defying love stories. I want my life to be like a Shakespearean tale though, with a very big happily ever after. I want a love story like that of the greats, another Romeo and Juliet, Lois and Clark, Edward and Bella, Tris and Four, Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele. Hey, it’s totally not cheesy and that’s what every little girl dreams about instead I am stuck in this excuse of a marriage with a young old soul. Seriously, where had the passion gone? Speaking of, I believe it was never really there in the first place or maybe it’s gone into hiding if so, I didn’t get the memo.

I have always been attracted to Robert he was and is in fact a charmer, when we first met and even more so after the second divorce oh! didn’t I say this is our third attempt at marriage yes, shocking I know but our tale has been a big and shall i say very long roller coaster I would admit that the first time around i married him for just for his money might I say that he is mightily rich and I went back to him because I had a fear of living alone. The marriage was initially a business arrangement at least from my side and he very well knew that I had no feelings whatsoever for him it was in fact a lovely arrangement, he gets a good loving wife and a gracious hostess might I add with no questions asked and no expectation whatsoever and I get the security of being married to a fabulous man.

The second time around was well like I said because I didn’t like being alone but between the both of us I missed him. Robert you know is the arrogant, sarcastic, narcissistic type with plenty control issues which I don’t even know if it’s healthy I am attracted to but then again we got divorced because we couldn’t stand each other as we could never see eye to eye on any issue and being two strong and determined people who always loved getting their way we butted heads over and over.

I felt that the right thing to do especially after an awful argument that he won seriously, he had no decency to let a lady win an argument (what we were even arguing about, I can’t remember) was to leave him and let him have his way on his own hence, the second divorce and as they say I felt that the third time would be the charm and agreed to marry him again after he came begging and shall I say, Robert NEVER begs. But like I said earlier, I have no romance in my life and Robert isn’t my prince charming coming to rescue me although, I would die if he ever got his hand on this diary and read this not that I wouldn’t say all this to his face but the fact that I have romantic notions in me *shivers*. I have been said to be emotionally unavailable and I believe I am very proud of this status.

Okay I really wanted to write a letter to Robert that’s why I am awake at this hour at the reading table I have packed my bags as Robert is still asleep and I hope to slip out as I can’t stand another confrontation with him so my letter, I want it to be brief and precise with of course the standard it’s not you it’s me when it really his him so it goes thus,

Dear Robby, (I love calling him this as he doesn’t like it but I think it’s cute)

It is said that the third time is a charm but it’s not so in our case I have been unhappy for a while now and at various time tried to share it with you but you never listen, you hear alright but never listen and yesterday’s event or lack of one proves my point. I have done my best to be the wife you deserve but I don’t believe we were meant to be together. I would always remember our time together fondly but I believe it’s time for us to move away from this relationship as it is unhealthy for the both of us. You deserve more and so do i.

                                                                                         Love, Funke

P.S my lawyers would see yours to arrange the terms of the divorce. I still get the apartment in New York right? It is stated in the prenuptial agreement.

Why Vote????

    It is 7:00 pm, I am sitting in the dark at my dining table with my phone buzzing with pings at my side. The only light in the room is that radiated by my laptop and the background music a mix of generators in my estate and a question comes to mind WHY VOTE?

  

Legally I am an adult and one of my civic responsibilities is to vote but why should i? It never occurred to me before to vote it is just what it is. Do I follow campaigns, have a particular candidate I am cheering for or believe in I ponder, and the answer is no maybe that’s why I am not inclined to vote. I see people engaged in heated arguments, each with a salient point that often times seems ludicrous to me. Persons go about tearing down posters of other candidates, properties being vandalized, reputations tarnished, the truth or the perception of it being leaked about agendas and character, conspiracy theories thrown up and about. Basically grown men and women fighting like naughty children for a piece of candy but this fight is more brutal as lives are on the line. Maybe this question has been sprouting in my subconscious and I did not notice or mind till today WHY SHOULD I VOTE?

I believe in democracy, as people have a right to choose their leaders but what is the definition of leadership in our county today? What is the scale or the rules guiding our selection of those who rule us? Is it a popularity contest or an exalted pageantry showing us the glitz and glam not black, white or even gray? On which specter should we choose our leaders? I am young and naïve yes, but question do we choose our leaders based on kerosene, recharge cards, phones, Ankara, exercise book, bags of rice or biros? HOW DO WE CHOOSE? 

Nigeria in country age to me is a young adult and young men and women tend to see only the future it’s a stage in development where we work and strive for a better tomorrow.  It’s a stage to learn from those that have gone ahead of us and as a country we can only move ahead by having a great head. In medicine, if a patient is declared brain dead  all other organs including the heart is working just fine but the brain is not hence, the person is as good as dead after a while if organs are not harvested for transplant or the person pulled off life support infection occurs the person becomes septic and all organs fail. A leader is also the head, the cranium that shield the brain. IF I VOTE, HOW SHOULD I?

As I write, I realize that I was not as laid back about the issue of voting as I thought and as my frustration is almost spent, I leave with even more questions. Perhaps; I have grown up with the perception of a corrupt Nigeria where campaigns are done, the illusion of democracy given whilst the winners have been preappointed before time. A little side deal, a shake of hands, the rigging of ballot boxes and a leader appointed. Perhaps, I was just disappointed and didn’t want to go down the rabbit hole of hope in the integrity of my nation thinking that my one piece of paper can count or maybe I am waiting for the one and if there would be how would i know? DO I COUNT?

ELEPHANT

I can’t believe it! I soooo can’t believe it; he said it, he said it, he said those3 magical words have been dying to hear since forever. Okay I know am a drama queen so not forever but 3months, 2weeks and 5days since we’ve been dating. Those 3 words and 8 letters that every girl wants her dream man to say and should I say that Emeka is my dreams come true.

We were introduced at a friend’s party. He was actually the best friend of my best friend’s boyfriend could the world get any better??? Best friends dating (a perfect duo couple) it was indeed a match made in heaven. Okay so how we met, my friend Chioma was having a get together to celebrate her promotion at work but it was more like an excuse to introduce her new BF to all her friends and his but I must add it was also to declare that they were serious. Just like Chioma to do that sort of thing.

So we decided to play a game to lighten the mood and make us all interact in a more relaxed atmosphere and Taboo won because duh! It was mine and Chioma’s favorite and we dominate but Fred caught on i.e. Chioma’s BF and split us when it was time to choose teams using the excuse that we know the game and should teach others. So for those of you who don’t know taboo is like charade but instead of actions to describe the word you use other synonyms apart from those on the card.

That was how I ended up in the same team as Emeka. We were both very competitive and funny enough were in tune to one another and we practically got the right words out of the others mouth. Especially the funny episode when he had to guess the word danger mouse from me and I couldn’t say cartoon or animal so I rambled a bunch of nonsense and I don’t know how he totally guessed the word correctly. I believe it was there I fell in love and from there we almost laughed our heads off, got talking and well we now here.

 Well HERE is: La mango a restaurant at Ikeja GRA area where we are having dinner and he asks me; Tolu, guess what? and he mouths I LOVE YOU and there I was spinning out of my mind. But hey what girl confesses first no matter how excited I am with my fingers itching to start pinging, I have to control myself so I ask again “ sorry I didn’t get that?” feigning confusion then he mouths it again making my heart skid and thump with excitement . But like the correct African Yoruba woman I am I ask “Abeg open your mouth and talk jo” and he sighs can’t you guess I said “ELEPHANT”. WHAT????????????????????????????? My heart skids to a stop like a car on a slippery fast lane ELEPHANT?? I also mouth seeing his smiling face at his intelligent discovery.